.......to think about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I know there are many people just like me who are caring for their elderly parents. And while it can be exceedingly frustrating and profoundly sad, there are also moments when all we can do is laugh.
I am also very blessed to have my friend Linda to vent to. She's in a similar boat with her dad and her daughter as I am with my mom and my boys.
I didn't realize how much I was keeping in. Thanks for being there, sister.
My mother has Alzheimer's. She's still in the early stages of it, but little by little I can see her slipping towards the inevitable end.......she won't remember any of us. Or even herself. And when I think about that.........well, I just can't breathe.
Looking back on the last 15 years or so knowing now what I didn't then, I could see the cracks starting to appear. She was a college administrator and retired after 35 years of service to MSU-Northern. Still being fairly young, she wanted to continue to work. She took a job as a receptionist at a local vision clinic. (I won't mention their name because I'm gonna slam them in a minute and since I can't say something nice, I will compensate by not telling you who they are.) It took her a little bit to catch on and be able to keep up. And occasionally, she would make mistakes. She would get things done, but she often had to ask questions and it would take her a little longer than the other woman that had worked there since forever. (And I have NOTHING bad to say about her. She is a lovely woman who worried about my mom and wondered what was going on.) One of the doctors up and decided that mom needed to go. And insinuated that my mother was too stupid to handle the job. He treated her shabbily. Mean, even. And the other doctor, the one who went to the same church as my mother and knew her well - just sat there and let him.
And now, with her diagnosis, I want so badly to go back and say, "See! My mother is not dumb! Her brain is starting to resemble Swiss cheese and you and your pissy attitude can just suck it!"
After the eye clinic, it was a bank where she worked in the Ag Loans department. Now, I've never applied for an operating loan because I don't own a farm or ranch, but from what I gather, it's a complicated process. Every one is different and mom had a great deal of difficulty getting the paperwork and file building process down. I'm sure it's challenging for someone who's brain is fully functional. She lasted only aboiut 6 months there.
After that, she found a home with the ladies at a flower shop downtown. And they were awesome. No one made her feel like she was less than capable. And arranging flowers seemed to make her happy. I'm certain I read somewhere that creative endeavors can slow the progression and for my mom it seemed to work. She was there until the owner decided two businesses was one more than she could run effectively and put the flower shop up for sale. Ma retired for good after that.
Then the bottom fell out.
In October 2011, the pain in my dad's belly and back was bad enough he finally went to the doctor. He finished putting away the yard and the garden and then just sort of.......sagged. By Thanksgiving, we knew he had pancreatic cancer. Stage 4. Because cancer of the pancreas is one of those fun cancers that like to hide and don't produce symptoms that are disruptive until it's too late. By Christmas, he couldn't eat anymore. Shortly after the new year, we went to see the Oncologist in Great Falls to set up his appointments to start chemo and radiation. A week later, he went into the care center because mom wasn't able to care for him. Before January was over, he was gone.
And Ma was devastated.
.........
.........
Yeah.
I'm going to leave it right there for now.
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